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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23153215">Platonic Friendship Doesn’t Live Here Anymore</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galactic_Rover/pseuds/Galactic_Rover'>Galactic_Rover</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Good Doctor (TV 2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Love Confessions, Medical, Melendaire, Melendaire Monday, The Good Doctor - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:14:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,712</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23153215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galactic_Rover/pseuds/Galactic_Rover</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Good Doctor (short scene based on Season 3 Episode 18 Heartbreak)</p><p>Neil admits, to himself, his feelings for Claire. Claire goes to see her therapist. </p><p>Scene picks up immediately after Melendez tells Claire that being around her makes him a better person.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Claire Browne/Dash Synder, Claire Browne/Neil Melendez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She looked at me like a deer in headlights. “Well, good night.” She sends me a tight smile and I can practically feel the unease and shock rolling off her. “Damn." I think to myself as I watch her walk stiffly out of my office. What the hell have I done? Did I just put myself in a precarious situation? No. The truth of the matter is that I’ve been in trouble for a while now. Ever since I made the decision to continue seeing Claire, despite that uncomfortable conversation with Audrey. I had promised myself to keep my distance from Claire, but there I was, doing the exact opposite. I hate to admit it, but my friendship with her had long begun to blur the rigid line between my personal and professional life. Scrubbing a hand down my tired face, “Nice going Neil.” I taunt myself, mystified by my own lack of restraint. If Claire’s reaction is any indication of how subtle I was about my feelings, clearly, I failed. I could blame it on exhaustion, but what did I say that wasn’t true?</p><p>As I amble to my car, I run through my memories, trying to pinpoint the precise moment I knew this so-called platonic friendship had come to an end. When did I develop feelings for a subordinate? Was it the night I asked Claire to dance at the makeshift prom? Perhaps the day Dash showed up looking for her, or after learning, he had asked her out on a date. Or maybe after seeing her face, the night that bouquet of flowers was delivered. Seeing Claire gush about Dash was surprisingly harder to take than I expected. I found myself wishing I was the guy to put that smile on her face. But I can’t tell Claire that. She insists that we are just friends, so what could I do beside encourage her to date Dash? Realistically, we can only be friends. I’m her boss and dating one of my residents is out of the question. Someone already knows I favor her. Audrey and I had such a hard time navigating our work and personal relationship—and we were peers for most of our careers. So dating Claire, my resident, would be infinitely more difficult. Even if I am happier now than I’ve been in a long time. So what? So what if I’m different with her? Could all be worth it? I dare to dream.</p><p>There’s no ignoring the glaring reasons why Claire and I couldn’t work. But my feelings for her are blooming at a rate faster than I can keep up with. She is a beautiful, talent, amazing human being. Time and time again, I’ve watched Claire go over and beyond the call of duty for the well-being of her patients—and those privileged enough to call her, friend. I used to view her efforts as unnecessary, naïve, and overzealous, but it’s evident now—that's just who she is. Case and point, defying a mother’s wishes to fight for the well-being of a patient, or to throw a prom together, just so a patient could enjoy a <em>few</em> dances with their boyfriend, is <em>classic Claire</em>. I saw her for so much more that night—more than I ever had before. Smiling to myself, I recall the moment I let her back on my rotation. “<em>If I tell you that I’m sorry, then it gives you cover. So, this is me giving you cover</em>.” Claire didn’t hide the fact that she was playing an angle. I appreciated the gesture, nonetheless; it did make my decision easier. She is kind, considerate, and a generous person. But underneath her warmth and compassion, she’s tough as nails. Maybe I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I started falling for Claire. But what I do know, is that I care for her deeply. Claire Browne was something I never saw coming.</p><p>…………………………………..</p><p><em>“Being around you makes me a better surgeon, a better person.”</em> Neil’s words swirled around in Claire’s panicked-stricken head in a fury, kicking up a dust cloud of confusion. Rattled to the core, his words had jarred something loose in Claire that she wasn’t even aware that she felt for Neil. <em>Love</em>. The thought chilled her to the bone. Her feelings for Neil had been seeping so insidiously through the cracks of her heart, like a gas leak. His words were simply the open flame, causing everything in her safe, platonic bubble to go <em>ka-boom</em>! “<em>No! This isn’t happening! I can’t be falling for Melendez! This is unacceptable and downright scandalous.</em>” Claire thought to herself as she drove away from St. Bonaventure. She didn’t need to give anyone else at the hospital a reason to whisper about her. She'd done enough damage to her reputation over that married patient fiasco.</p><p>Neil wasn’t a safe option for her, but Dash was. She was enjoying his company. He was smart, funny, and charming. Plus, the familiarity between them allowed her to be light-hearted and carefree. But Neil was all those things too. Not to mention, caring, wildly attractive, and had the uncanny ability to know exactly what she needed, at the right time. Neil had been there for her, as a constant shoulder to cry on, these past few months. He helped her out of the slump she was in. His unwavering support, coupled with her therapy, has left Claire feeling more like herself than she’s ever has. Neil was right all those weeks ago, things between them were already weird. Maybe things were weird because they were changing. Maybe she was just in denial.</p><p>Yes, being with Dash was simple and easy, but it wasn’t thrilling—yet. They had an enduring friendship, and there was already a level of love and respect there. But even as she half-listened to him drone on about camping, the harder it became to convince herself that she wasn’t in love with Neil. Her heart was fighting back, beating out the denial. Claire was in desperate need of a late-night session with her therapist. Together they’d get to the true underlying cause of this confusion. After texting her therapist to see if she would agree to meet with her, Claire made up an excuse and told Dash goodbye. As she drove through the night, seeking refuge in therapy, it occurred to Claire that—now being armed with this knowledge—she hadn’t the slightest clue on how to face Melendez again.</p><p>…………………………………..</p><p>“I think I’m in love with my boss.” Even as Claire said the words out loud, she noted how ridiculous she sounded. Her therapist—with those discerning eyes and impeccable poker face—tilted her head before speaking. “What makes you think you’re in love with your boss, Claire?” Blowing out a nervous breath, she considered her answer. “Well for starters, he’s a great guy. He’s kind, brilliant, understanding, and <em>extremely</em> handsome. He’s been a great friend to me. I can’t imagine getting through these past few months without his support. Now, I look forward to seeing him every day. I don’t know…I guess somewhere along the way, my feelings just…changed.” Her therapist nodded slowly, probably dissecting her words apart. Awaiting her response, Claire cringed as she wondered what her therapist must <em>really</em> think of her. Finally, her therapist spoke. “How did you come to this realization?”</p><p>“A couple of days ago. Well, this actually started after Dash showed up.” “Dash. He’s the widower of your friend.” “Yes, Kayla’s husband. He shows up to the hospital a few of weeks ago and asks me out. I agreed, and we’ve gone on a few dates. I had a great time with him…but not in the way that I had hoped.” “Hoped?” Claire’s therapist prompted, her forehead creasing in confusion. “As in, you don’t have feelings for him?” “Exactly. I kissed him the other night, and there was just <em>no</em> spark. I thought maybe we needed more time to grow or that I needed to be more open-minded about the possibility of this relationship. But now I see that we’re just forcing ourselves into something that isn’t meant to be.” “So, the kiss made you realized that you were in love with your boss?”</p><p>“No. A couple of days ago, our team pulled off an <em>incredible</em> surgery. But the approach we used in hindsight, may have been too risky to attempt in the first place. My boss, complimented me for suggesting such an unconventional approach and…he commended me for the effort and care I strive to give each patient.” Claire let herself go back to that moment again—as she had done countless times over the past two days. “He told me that I’ve helped him become a better surgeon and a better person. I knew in that moment, that he has done the same for me. More importantly, I’m finding myself not wanting to imagine a life without him.” Claire cringed at her own words. Was she sharing too much, too soon? Even if it's just with her therapist. Keeping quiet now, she allowed her words to settle into the heavy silence.</p><p>Her therapist nodded, no doubt crafting a delicate response to the situation Claire had just laid out for her. “From what you’ve told me Claire, it’s evident that you share a special bond with your boss. You may even attribute much of your latest progress to his friendship and support. But before we delve into that any further, let me first pose a question about Dash, and the request your late friend Kayla, made of you. Do you believe that, on some level, maybe subconsciously, you only went out with Dash as some obligatory, fulfillment of Kayla’s dying wish?” Claire blinked in surprise—shocked by the implication. Looking down sheepishly, she nervously rubbed her hands together.</p><p>“No, I can’t say…” Her voice trailed off. Her therapist had a point. “Maybe, on some level.” She felt guilty for even admitting it out loud, but relieved, all the same. “Given everything that has happened to you over the past few months, I understand the yearning to fall into something that is, familiar and safe. But those qualities aren’t the only thing to build a relationship on. If there isn’t a spark, if it isn’t exciting, if it’s convenient and not much work, then it isn’t must of a prospect is it?” Letting out a quiet laugh, Claire rubbed her forehead. “No, I guess not.” “Now circling back to your boss.” “Uh-oh, here we go.” Claire muttered in anxious anticipation of her therapist’s observations. “Claire, we’ve discussed, at length, your propensity to seek out unavailable men, and your reasons for doing so.” “I know, and it’s not like I’m planning on jumping his bones the next time I see him or even start dating him.” Claire interjected defensively.</p><p>“I wasn’t implying that you would. But he has been somewhat of a quasi-therapist for you, in many regards. Not forgetting that he <em>is</em> your boss, he would naturally fall into the category of unavailable men, right?” Claire nodded reluctantly. “So, my assignment for you is, to take the time to sort out these feelings. Figure out the root of them. Do these feelings stem from a real place in your heart? Are they just a case of transference because he’s been there for you? Or just a subconscious sabotage to keep yourself unattached from a real relationship? We’ll discuss your findings at our next session.”</p><p>As Claire left her therapist, she felt every bit as frustrated as before. Her therapist made some great points and gave her a lot to chew on. Still a part of Claire knew, that her feelings for Neil were real. What she felt for him was different from anything she’d experienced before. There was a lot to sort out, by way of her feelings, but no matter the reasons, Claire knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was very much in love with Neil Melendez.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. But Love Hasn't Quite Made it Yet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Neil confronts Claire about her distance. Claire has another therapy session.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>“What is going on?”</em> I wonder—for the umpteenth time—as I spot Claire, just outside the hospital’s side entrance. I tried flagging her down minutes ago, calling her name as she left the staff locker room. She looked back and kept going. I don’t know what’s going on with her these days, but she’s been distant. Ever since I told her that being around her made me better. I’ve replayed the words in my head and have concluded that it’s an innocent compliment. Thus, that can’t be it. Claire has been dealing with a lot. I’m probably overthinking this. I head though the sliding door on the mission and I reach her in a few strides. Engrossed with her phone, she doesn’t look up. Too busy typing away at lighting speed. Briefly I wonder if it’s Dash, she’s texting. I plasters on a smile as I stop beside her.</p>
<p> “Hey.”</p>
<p>“Whoa!” She yelps, clutching her phone to her chest.  An ill-timed laugh escapes me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”</p>
<p>“No, I just—I didn’t see you there.”</p>
<p>“Clearly. So, what’s been going on with you?”</p>
<p> Furrowing her eyebrows, “I don’t know what you mean.”</p>
<p>“I tried to get your attention back there. You looked right at me and kept walking.”</p>
<p>“Oh. That was you? Sorry.” Not much of an answer but I decide to let it go.</p>
<p>“Been awhile since I’ve seen you outside the hospital.”</p>
<p>“I know. You can thank our <em>crazy</em> work schedules for that.”</p>
<p>“Right.”</p>
<p>“So, what’s up?” She asks now looking impatient.</p>
<p>“Is everything ok?”</p>
<p>“Yes, why wouldn’t it be?”</p>
<p> “You seem...different. You’ve been avoiding me.”</p>
<p>She frowns at the accusation before shaking her head. “No, I haven’t. Why? What makes you say that?”</p>
<p>“Outside of medicine, you barely speak to me these days, and somehow avoid me every time I try to talk to you.”</p>
<p>Waving me off, “Oh well, don’t read too much into it. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”</p>
<p>“I thought that could be the case, but as always I’m here for you.”</p>
<p>She gives me a shy smile before nodding. “I know and I appreciate that.”</p>
<p>“Ok, then what’s up?”</p>
<p>She shrugs and shakes her head. “Nothing much.” Falling silent, she offers no other information on the matter.</p>
<p>“How’s Dash?” I ask, after a brief lull. “He’s great.” Again, with the short answers. She sends me a tight smile before darting her eyes away. I’ve been getting a few of those skittish glances too lately. Jerking her head, Claire opens her mouth as if to add something else before clamping it shut. She’s grappling with something. I wish she’d just say it.</p>
<p>“Ok, if it’s not Dash then what’s bothering you.”</p>
<p>“Nothing. Look, I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me these past few months, but I can’t come to you with <em>every</em> problem I have now.”</p>
<p>Huh? “I never asked you to. I’m just offering a listening ear.”</p>
<p>“And again, I appreciate you for that. But perhaps it’s time that I backed off and stop leaning on you so much.”</p>
<p>This is unexpected. “Ok, if that’s how you feel, but I don’t mind.” In fact, I relish being there for her now. I like that she leans on me.</p>
<p>“Yes, but my problems shouldn’t be your concern.”</p>
<p>I stare at her dumbfounded. “Claire, where is this coming from? Did something happened? Someone say something to you?”</p>
<p>She shook her head slowly. “No. I’ve been thinking how unfair this is to you, leaning on you all the time. You’re just my boss.” The sting of her words catches me by surprise. Fascinating how she could turn a word like <em>boss</em> into an insult.</p>
<p>“My apologies. I thought we were friends too.”</p>
<p>Her face softens. “We are.”<br/>“Then what’s the problem here, Claire?” </p>
<p> “There is nothing wrong. We’re fine.” She takes a few steps away from me abruptly ending the conversation. “I should get going. Goodnight.” I stare at her incredulously as she walks briskly away into the night. Left shaking my head, I ponder some glaring questions. What is it about me that makes the woman I care about pull away from me? What the hell am I doing wrong? And how do I stop this from happening again?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*******</p>
<p>I glance at the clock on the wall. Was it half past ten already? It felt like mere minutes since I sat down with my therapist, and now my session was nearly up. I can recall the days when therapy was more of a chore. When I’d sit and watch every tedious minute tick by, rather than talk. How I dreaded coming here. If you told me six months ago that therapy would become an integral part of my life, I wouldn’t have believe it. Now months later, I no longer feel like the same walled-off, completely shut down person I used to be. All thanks to my new support system. Neil had helped me to open up and my therapist took it from there. Not forgetting the kernels of wisdom others have dropped all the way.</p>
<p>“Claire?”</p>
<p>“Sorry. I didn’t realize the time. My shift starts in forty-five minutes.” Since my shift started a little later today, I thought I’d booked myself a session before work.</p>
<p> “We still have some time on the clock. Please continue.” My therapist prompts.</p>
<p>“Right. My point is that, he’s reliable. Maybe one of the most reliable people I’ve ever met. It’s easy to talk to him.” At least before I realized I loved him. My therapist—the ever-perceptive—Janice Reynolds gives me a slight nod.</p>
<p>“What I’m hearing you say, is that you appreciate Craig, because you feel he’s been there for you, that he understands you, and you feel accepted by him—flaws and all.”</p>
<p> I wince. “Yes.”</p>
<p> I don’t love the code name I’m using for Neil, but I was tired of using the word, boss. So, chosen at random, it was the first name that popped in my head. But now with every mention of Craig, I’m promptly reminded of my mousy neighbor who bears the name. Of course, there was client confidentiality, but I still wanted to take extra precaution. Who knows which circles Janice ran in? Better to be safe than wildly embarrassed later.</p>
<p>“Is Dash still in the picture?”</p>
<p>“Only as my friend. We realized that there is just no chemistry between us.”</p>
<p>“Does Craig know that you have feelings him?”</p>
<p> “No.”</p>
<p>“Do you plan to tell him?”</p>
<p>I hadn’t the slightest clue. I don’t plan to confess my feelings, but I also don’t know how long I can keep them suppressed.</p>
<p>“Not sure.”</p>
<p>The best thing to do, right now, was nothing. What was the alternative? Tell Neil how I feel about him? The fallout could be catastrophic. I had no idea how Neil felt about me and as far as I knew, this was all one-sided. And I’m not interested in making a fool of myself, just to find out.</p>
<p>“What I do know is that, I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”</p>
<p>I can’t help the involuntary smile that suddenly curls my lips.</p>
<p>“What is it that you feel?”</p>
<p> “Happier. Different. I smile when I think about him. Just being around him brightens my day.” I pause trying to fight my widening grin. “I like the person that I am around him.”</p>
<p>“Who is that person?”</p>
<p>“More carefree. A happier version of myself. Something I haven’t been in a long time—if ever. I would say my outlook on life is more positive these days.”</p>
<p> Janice nods slowly. “Well, it’s evident that you’ve given this considerable thought. You don’t strike me as someone who would throw the word “love” around carelessly.”</p>
<p>“No, definitely not.”</p>
<p>“Let’s digs more into the negative views you mentioned Craig has helped you with. Tell me about them and how they are changing for you.”</p>
<p>“Um,” I take a deep breath. Recalling those brief, yet significant instances, where Neil challenged a notion, I had about myself that simply wasn’t healthy.</p>
<p>“They go hand in hand with what you and I have discussed too. Things like, I’m not a bad person because I’m angry with my mom. That it’s ok to let someone in. I do deserve to be loved and to be happy. Trying to understand that it doesn’t have to be me against the world, all the time.”</p>
<p>I pause, taking a moment to swallow the lump suddenly forming in my throat. I blink back the unbidden tears that sting my eyes.</p>
<p> “But mainly how I can’t hold myself responsible for my mom’s death. It’s like you said, I need to let myself off the hook because punishing myself will not help me.” The last truth is harder to accept but I’m trying.</p>
<p>Janice looks pleased as she smiles. “He sounds like he has been therapeutic for you. And I have to say, in the few months that I’ve seen you, you’ve made remarkable progress. You seem much better than when we first started meeting.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.” Smiling in return, I graciously accept the commendation filled with gratitude. Grateful to have someone stand in my corner the way Neil has, helping me get to this place. Truth be told I’m proud of myself too. I am cultivating healthier coping methods and making incredible headway in my personal journey. As I mentally pat myself on the back, I cringe at my awkward interactions I’ve had with Neil lately. “But the problem is that now I don’t know how to act around him. I feel self-conscious—like I’m wearing my feelings on my sleeves and he can see that.”</p>
<p> “It’s natural to act differently around someone when you start to feel differently about that person—no matter the relationship.” I nod in agreement.</p>
<p>“Now, let’s talk about next steps. Let’s say, you find out Craig does reciprocate these feelings for you. What do you plan to do?”</p>
<p>“Well, I-I don’t know. Haven’t thought about it, I guess.” I wasn’t expecting that question. Nor have I considered the possibility—mostly because I won’t let myself go there. “Can anybody really predict what they would do in a situation like that, before it happens?”</p>
<p>“Well as a doctor, I’d imagine you’d see the merit in having a strategic plan. If you’re facing a difficult surgery—where many complications could arise—you prepare yourself as much as possible beforehand. You learn the procedure, and what factors to consider. You also learn what to do in the event that something goes awry. Is that fair to say?”</p>
<p><em>Touché Janice.</em> “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Of course, you can’t plan for everything you’ll face in any given situation. But there are benefits to having a general response or actionable steps you could take—if a certain event occurs.” She makes an excellent point. “So, your assignment is to be honest with yourself. Consider your options. Weigh the consequences. Think about the impact it would have on you.”</p>
<p> I leave my session faced with the task of confronting the very questions I’ve tried hard to avoid. What if Melendez <em>did</em> have feelings for me? What would I want to do about it? Better yet, what <em>could</em> I do about it? He’s still my boss after all. The possibilities are daunting to consider, making my head spin in confusion. One thing’s for sure; I am happier around him—happier than I’ve been in ages. Having to distance myself from him lately hasn’t been easy—he hasn’t been making it easy either. But I thought it imperative to create some distance between us in order to think a little more clearly about everything. Still these questions don’t mean anything if one question isn’t answered first. Could Melendez has feelings for me too?</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Maybe Love Is Around the Corner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Neil and Claire have a heart-to-heart conversation, taking stock of their relationship in the process.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Taking into account Mr. Chester’s medical history and based on his labs, EKG, and echo, a catheter ablation is likely the best course of action to mitigate his AFib.”</p>
<p>I nod in agreement as I continue reviewing the chart. “I agree. Explain the procedure and risks to Mr. Chester. Let’s get him booked for an appointment as soon as possible.” I say to Claire, handing her back the tablet before Morgan swipes it first. “On it.” Morgan replies before turning to leave. I glance over at Claire, who shoots me a tight smile before she silently trails behind Reznick. Stopping shy of the conference door, she turns and looks at me. </p>
<p>“Is there something else, Dr. Browne?” She moves to say something then shakes her head instead.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p> I watch her bustle out the door, shaking my head in confusion. What is going on with her? I wish she’d come out and say what’s been bothering her—the suspense is exasperating.</p>
<p>*******</p>
<p>I blush with embarrassment as I catch up to Morgan in front of the elevators. My plan to act casual and normal around Neil today has sadly fallen through. I wanted to apologize for being abrupt with him the other night, but the words wouldn’t come out—as if they were a lump stuck in my throat. Interacting with him, as long as it pertains to work, is not the problem. Small talk—and everything else in between—is where the issue lies. Being tongue-tied around him is as uncomfortable as it is frustrating. Still I’m determined to push past this. I have to, for my sake. If things could simply go back to the way they were; before love was factored into the equation, complicating everything. I want that on some level. On the other hand, I don’t, because it would require my heart to stop loving him; I’m not sure I want that. So, I make this promise now, that I’ll stop pushing him away. He’s a great mentor and a great friend. I can’t afford to lose our friendship over something that will never be.</p>
<p>*******</p>
<p>I squeeze my shoulders blades together then relax, hoping to release some of tension between them. Slowly exhaling a deep breath, I’m thankful to get a peaceful elevator ride alone. “Hold the elevator!” I hear as soon as the steel doors slide to close. I put my hand out instinctively to stop the doors from shutting all the way. I don’t need to peer out to know whose voice I heard, but I do it anyway. She breezes past me, offering me a genuine smile that takes me by surprise. “Ahh! Thank you!”</p>
<p>She’s radiant. “No problem. Good work today Dr. Browne.” I add trying to ignore the feeling stirring in me. Excitement? Jitters? A smile from her could do more for me, now than a few shots of espresso. That was the Claire effect on me these days—a racing pulse as if I downed too much caffeine. She’s so damn beautiful with a great smile and soul to match. It's not a proper way for an attending to think about their resident but here I am, being dazzled, all the same. The elevator suddenly feels uncomfortable small like there’s not enough space or air for the both of us.</p>
<p> “Thank you.” She responds with a grin that is nothing short of luminous.</p>
<p>“You seem to be in a better mood now. I guess whatever has been bothering you has worked itself out?” I ask, not only to distract myself for my sudden train of thought, but also wondering if she’ll finally tell me what’s been going on.</p>
<p>“Not quite but it’s getting there.”</p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p>We spend the last few seconds in silence before the elevator dings and the doors open. “Have a goodnight.” I toss over my shoulder before exiting the elevator like the steel box was on fire. “Hey!” She calls after me after a moment. “I want to apologize for the other day. You were only trying to help, and I shouldn’t have dismissed you like that.”</p>
<p>“No problem. Like you said, you had a lot on your mind.”</p>
<p>“Yea well thanks for understanding.”</p>
<p>I nod in response.</p>
<p>“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p>
<p> I watch her walk away this time, amazed. Just like that Claire is acknowledging my presence again. As if nothing happened or as if she hasn’t been willfully ignoring me at times. I shake my head and chuckle. <em>Women</em>.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>“Mrs. Shaw’s vitals look good. She’s stable.”</p>
<p>“Thank you for the update.” I respond to Claire while typing up my notes from the coronary artery bypass graft we performed this morning. “Hey, would you be up for a run sometimes this week?” <em>What?</em> I slowly look up from my laptop.</p>
<p>“Why are you looking at me like that?”</p>
<p>“You’ve barely spoken to me in the past week or so. Now you’re asking me out on a run with you?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” She answers with a smug grin.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“Do you need a reason?”</p>
<p>“I’m asking, aren’t I?”</p>
<p>“Ok, it’s been awhile since we’ve gone for a run and I’m looking for an easy win.” I study her smug expression for moment not knowing what to make her sudden change in mood.</p>
<p> “So, are you game?” She prompts. A scoff escapes my lips before a hesitant grin stretches them.</p>
<p>“Since you’re so eager, Dr. Browne how about tonight after work?”</p>
<p>“Works for me.”</p>
<p>“Usual spot?”</p>
<p>“Perfect.”</p>
<p>“Meet you there.”</p>
<p>“See you then, Dr. Melendez. Don’t forget to hydrate!”</p>
<p>I laugh out loud as she retreats. <em>What the hell was that? </em></p>
<p>******</p>
<p>Sprinting down the last stretch, I overtake Neil easily. “Whoo!” I yell turning to face Neil and moving from side to side with my fists in the air. The cool breeze is a welcomed relief to my overheated limbs. “Look who’s getting faster.” He mocks, breathing heavily. “You’re slower than I remembered.” I tease back as a smile breaks across my face. “I was going easy on you. Didn’t want you to tire out too quickly.”</p>
<p>“Am I the one who was lagging behind—huffing and puffing all the way up the hill?” He sends me a sideways glance. “I didn’t ask for a critique on my running form.”</p>
<p>“You claim to have taken it easy on me. I’m merely pointing out why that isn’t true.”</p>
<p>Cutting his eyes over at me, “I had a long day.”</p>
<p>“Excuses don’t become you Neil. But we all have off days once in a while. I won’t hold it against you.”</p>
<p>“You’re too kind.” He mutters. We go to grab a couple of water bottles from of my car, then head back to the trail for a stroll. It’s amazing how bantering with someone can remedy awkwardness. I feel more at ease and relaxed now. Perhaps we can go back to the way we were after all.</p>
<p>******</p>
<p>We make a beeline for the railing that serves as a vista point overlooking the city below. Leaning against it I face Claire. “So, are you going to tell me what been going on with you lately?” She looks at me with a wary expression before shaking her head.</p>
<p>“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”</p>
<p>“Try me.”</p>
<p>She’s quiet for a while and I start to think that she won’t answer the question. “Let’s just say that I had to face some hard truths that I was not ready for.”</p>
<p>“Ok, like what?” I prompt her to elaborate. Furrowing her eyebrows, she looks up at me with weird expression. After blinking a few times, she shrugs. “I guess of those truths is that I’d started to wonder if I was just your charity case. I’m not certain if the real reason you hang out with me is because you just feel bad for me.”</p>
<p>“What?” I scoff in disbelief. “Did I give you that impression?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Good because you couldn’t be further from the truth.”</p>
<p>“Not tired of me yet<em>?”</em> She asks with a faint smile.</p>
<p>“Only, if you keep winning, like tonight.”</p>
<p>“Right.”</p>
<p>We’re slip into silence, both looking out to view stretched out in front of us.</p>
<p>“So, that why you’ve been acting differently around me lately? You thought you were my charity case?” I ask for clarification.</p>
<p>“Yea, it was a defensive mechanism, I guess.” She brushes it off, but I feel like she’s holding something back. Maybe it’s the way she’s visible stiffens or the few darting glances she’s given me since I asked her what’s been going on with her. It makes me think, what she’s saying and what she’s feeling isn’t adding up. I’ll just let it go.</p>
<p>“Well if anyone should be tired of the other person here, shouldn’t it be you?” I ask before I can rethink the question.</p>
<p>“Why should I be tired of you?”</p>
<p>“Because you’re not in that same place anymore. Things are changing for you. You have Dash now.”</p>
<p>Looking up at me, she gives me a wry smile. “We’re just friends.” She finally offers. Interesting.</p>
<p>“Really? Did something happened?”</p>
<p>“No. It became evident we were forcing something that wasn’t meant to be. And it was time we stopped fooling ourselves.”</p>
<p>“Hmm.”  I respond feigning indifference as I try to tamp down my inexplicable enthusiasm. I’m pleasantly surprised.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I’m a little surprised. I thought you were into each other. He seemed to be good for you.”</p>
<p>She shrugs in response. “And he is—as my friend.”</p>
<p>I shoot her a pointed look. “You know what I mean.”</p>
<p>She nods slowly. “There just wasn’t a spark between us. And you can’t create that kind of magic out of thin air.” No, you can’t. “So, there’s no awkwardness between you now?”</p>
<p>“No. We both felt the same way.”</p>
<p>“Well you put yourself out there. Progress, right? The right guy will come along.” I add quietly.</p>
<p>******</p>
<p><em>“I think I found him.”</em> It’s on the tip of my tongue to say. Thank goodness I choke the statement back down.  If I didn’t, Neil would ask who the guy was, then I would blurt out, “<em>You.”</em> I wonder how he’d react to that truth. Not well I would think. Instead I smile graciously at his reassurance and ask a question to move the conversation off me.</p>
<p> “Since we’re on the subject of relationships, what about you?”</p>
<p>“What <em>about</em> me?”</p>
<p>“How’s your dating life these days?”</p>
<p>He chuckles nervously. “Non-existent. I’m not itching to dive back into the dating pool just yet. I’m happy where I am right now.”</p>
<p>He pauses to look at me and I swear for a second he’s feeling exactly what I am. Ok, maybe I’m just projecting. “I know what you mean.”</p>
<p>“I’ve taken one too many beatings from love.”</p>
<p>“Are you giving up?”</p>
<p>“No.” He scoffs. “I haven’t given up on my idiotic happiness—just taking the time to recover and reassess.” “What’s there to reassess?” I ask incredulously.</p>
<p>“Everything. By now I thought I’d be Chief of Surgery, married with kids.” I’m surprised that Neil is giving me a glimpse into his head. Even in the countless conversations we’ve had over the past few months, he normally kept his woes to himself.</p>
<p>“Are you afraid you’ll never get there?”</p>
<p>He shook his head slowly. “No, I’m not afraid I <em>won’t</em> get there. I’m afraid I’ll have little time to enjoy it when I do.”</p>
<p>I place my hand on his shoulder giving him a reassuring pat. “Hang in there.”</p>
<p> It was a trite platitude, but nothing else came to mind. Probably because I’m reeling over the fact that Neil is really opening up to me about something so personal.</p>
<p>He lets out a rough laugh. “Thanks, Claire. Your comfort is appreciated.”</p>
<p>“I know you’re being sarcastic, but it was all I could think of.” At least it got him smiling again. I regard him speculatively. “Tell me something. What does your ideal relationship look like for you?” His brows furrowed momentarily as he considered the question.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>******</p>
<p>Her question catches me by surprise, but I don’t have to think long about the answer. “This.” I whisper before an uncomfortable silence ensues. A few emotions seem to run across Claire’s face, shock, confusion, unease. Dammit. I shouldn’t have said that. “I mean, I want something that feels <em>this</em> effortless. Like you’re hanging out with a friend, no pretense. Honestly, I don’t have a real answer to that question.” I say trying to cover my tracks. She seems to regain her composure. “No. I understand what you mean. I can’t wait to have <em>that</em> kind of happiness myself.” Her smile returned.</p>
<p>“And you will.” I assure her.</p>
<p>“So, will you.”</p>
<p>The truth is I didn’t have clear cut answer to that question. I’ve broken hearts and had my heart broken more than I care to admit. Still, I never imagined that I’d be single at this stage in my life. I’d figured I’d be married—on baby number two by now. When my future with Jess ended, I recovered then I found Audrey. My plans were still intact. But once that relationship crashed and burned, love had left me with a bitter aftertaste. Suddenly those grand life plans I’ve meticulously mapped out for myself—both personally and professionally—were just cruelly mocking me. Claire was a welcomed relief. She came along, wedging herself right in the door of my heart. I was beginning to release some of the regrets I’d been schlepping around with me. Without even trying, Claire helped me out of my own rough patch. As if reading my train of thought Claire’s mouth twitched into a smirk.</p>
<p> “Hey. I haven’t thanked you, properly for being there for me after my mom died. You’ve been supportive—maybe more than you had to be, and I am grateful for everything. I feel like you recused me from drowning in my own pain.”</p>
<p>I nod slowly, absorbing her words shocked that she’d even say that to me. Claire might think that I rescued her from her pain, but the feeling was mutual.</p>
<p>******</p>
<p>“If that’s the case then I should thank you too.”</p>
<p>He’s thanking me? “Why?”</p>
<p>“Because, you’ve helped me too.” He looks sincere but I can’t fathom how that’s possible. After all he was the one who had it all together.</p>
<p>“How did I help you?”</p>
<p> “When you and I started hanging out, my breakup was still raw. On some level, helping you and being there for you helped to distract me from my own pain. But in the end, your friendship became exactly what I needed. You helped me out of my post-breakup slump.” His admission is shocking. It makes me feel guilty that I didn’t realize he was suffering himself. He may not have had a loved one die but was experiencing a significant loss.</p>
<p>I flash him a sympathetic smile. “You’re welcome. I’m happy that I could help you too. Now I don’t have to feel guilty about this feeling a bit one-sided.”</p>
<p>“It was never one-sided.”</p>
<p>******</p>
<p>As a gust of wind breezes by us, we automatically clutch our arms to our chests. Great timing now that I finished baring my soul to Claire. “It’s now cold. We should go.” I say before taking a step toward the parking lot.</p>
<p>“I’m happy you agreed to a run tonight. I’ve missed this.” </p>
<p>“Same.”</p>
<p>“Want to go for another run tomorrow?”</p>
<p>“I can’t tomorrow but raincheck?” I ask as we stop in front her car. She fishes out her keys and sends me another brilliant smile. “Sure. Goodnight.”</p>
<p>“Goodnight.” I say before shutting her door and walking to around to my own car.</p>
<p>I send her a wave, as she waits for me to get into my own car before she drives off. That’s when it hits me, and I decide to admit the truth out loud. “I’m in love with Claire.” Sheer terror and excitement rips through me at the same time. Like I’ve made it to the peak of roller coaster at the slow crawl, just before plunging at high speeds. My logic admonishes me to be careful. But part of me is ready to throw caution to wind and be reckless.</p>
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<p>******</p>
<p><em>Off they went, going their separate ways. Both consumed with thoughts of the other. Each resigned to hold their confessions and swallow them back like a bitter pill. Neither one knowing how the other truly felt, but fully aware of their own hearts. Claire and Neil believed that their feelings for the other would remain unrequited</em>.</p>
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